Care Packages

This week I have felt so blessed with gifts, particularly care packages. A teacher from my high school went up to my mom and told her that she had sent me a package. So I went to check and see if the package was there, and when I received the package I realized that it was in fact from my aunt and uncle. They packed up a box of food, candy, coffee, etc. for me to have over finals week. I thought that it was so sweet that they would think of me enough to send me an entire box of food. I am now also looking forward to the package my high school teacher as sending me. I also appreciated the food and survival bags professors were giving out in class. I have truly felt blessed in receiving this many packages. People on my floor have been jealous of me lately, that I have gotten so many while they haven't. It makes me thankful that God has blessed me with so many awesome friends and family in my life, and it makes me realize that I have so much to be thankful for in this Christmas season. Now I just can't wait for break!

Poems

Doing my credo made me realize how much I do enjoy writing poems. When I was younger, I always disliked them, but the older I get, the more meaning I am able to draw out of them. I think that writing poems are fun because while they involve some deep thought, they also involve simpler things, such as rhyming (which has always been a favorite of mine). It is funny to think that sometimes I will look for a certain song lyrics, or quote, or poem to use as a facebook status, etc. when in reality I could just make up my own saying. Sometimes, I don't think that people give themselves enough credit. Quotes, while they are always good to reinforce points, are really just words said by someone else. I think I am going to start making up my own quotes and/or poems as a way of expression. Sometimes, when I am writing, I wonder why I ever wanted to do biology in the first place. Art and writing sometimes come much easier, but then again I love biology and science just as much. I wish that I could write my own poem on what I am supposed to do with my life.

Birthdays

This weekend has surprisingly been really fun. At first I was rather disappointed that Brett thought it would be better if I didn't come home, because he had wrestling and thought that he would be busy most of the time, therefore it wouldn't be beneficial for me to come home. However, I am now seeing that I was supposed to stay here for a reason. One, I am extremely glad that I didn't leave because of all this bad weather we have gotten today! I was so surprised to wake up and see all the snow had melted to water, however, things changed quickly enough as everything started to freeze back up into ice and the blizzard was on it's way. Second, I am glad I stayed because my floor (well, most of my floor) went out for two of my friends, Alea and Jordan's, birthdays. While we were going to go to Cedar Falls to Buffalo Wild Wings, we ended up just going to Joe's for wings. I didn't think they were that great, but it was nice to be with my friends and meet some new people. And third, I am glad I stayed because tonight I ended up hanging out with some girls down the hall, and while I may regret my decision tomorrow when I have so much studying to do, it was a super fun night and I feel like I have made some new friends. I think that I was supposed to stay here to realize that I should be having a good time and meeting people in college, and that going home so often may not always be the best decision for me.

Distracted

I am behind on my blogging lately, and I have to say that I blame Brett. Since we have been kind of rocky lately, I have been putting so much time into thinking about him that it seems everything else is getting placed on the back burner. I know that it should be the other way around, but sometimes it is hard not to get caught up in relationship drama. I wish that we were still fine, but I think that he is starting to see this may be harder than he expected it to. While I understand his wishes, it is still hard to think that I may have to let go of what we have. Obviously I know that God has a better plan for me, even if it doesn't involve Brett like I may wish. I wish that sometimes my "path" in life was easier to see. Lately I feel like nothing that I thought was certain is. I feel like I am confused with Brett, my future career, and even if I want to stay at Wartburg next year. While I really love the school, I am starting to wonder that maybe even with my scholarships this school is just going to cost my family to much financially. It is hard to say what is right at this point, but I hope that God will make my path clearer to me as time goes on.

Crunch Time

These three remaining weeks are starting to get very hectic. I am not looking forward to all the studying I know is coming. It is hard, I feel, to prepare for some many things at one time. I AM excited, however, for winter break. Three weeks off is exactly what I need! There are many projects, and assignments I need to do, but lately it is hard to figure out what to do first. My planner has become exceptionally useful this week, and I have note cards everywhere as reminders of the projects I need to finish. Though I feel stressed now, I know that it will only get worse, but I suppose I will make it through if I just keep imagining the time at home. I love Christmas, it is my favorite time of year. (Clique, but true) I decorated my whole house when I went home because I was so excited, and didn't want to miss out on any decorating. I am excited for cookies, and old Christmas movies, etc. I am also looking forward to the new classes that will come after break. Though I am excited to rid of math, I will miss IS. Next semester I will still have biology and chemistry, and will then pick up Spanish and composition. I am a little worried that next semester will be more stressful, but I am hoping that the skills I learned this semester will have prepared me for the next.

Timeline

For my final project, I have been reading the book Timeline. I am more than 3/4 of the way done with it, and I am thoroughly pleased that I picked this novel. Upon first starting it, I wasn't sure if I had made the right choice, but it seems that I can't put the book down. I was very surprised that the idea expressed, quantum mechanics/chemistry, is a topic that Dr. Drolet just talked about in my Chemistry 113 classroom. He himself even mentioned the idea of traveling. I think that novel in that it doesn't feel like a science book, as even Jurassic Park did. I think that there is a lot more history, and a plot, that makes the novel an easier read. I am excited to see what happens, though slightly disappointed a review I read before reading the actual novel gave away a major point of the plot. I am still excited to see the results for myself though. I think that the paper will be easier to write than I thought, and if not, I have already asked Dr. Drolet for help if I get in a bind (which I'm crossing my fingers I won't). I am anxious for the project as well. I felt a little bad that I didn't ask Sarah to work with me, but it seemed as though she wanted to work alone (then again, I never did ask...) BUT I am really excited to do the project with Kevin and Derek, after Kevin asked me to be with them. I get a kick out of the two of them, and I think that it will be fun to do a project together. I think that we are going to possibly do a movie, though I'm not entirely sure. I hope that it is more fun than stressful and turns out good!

Weather

So I am sitting in my room waiting for my last two classes and I am PRAYING that the weather holds off. I WILL be going home no matter what, hah! My friend Tricia sent me a text saying to be careful though, that she was going home from Des Moines and had seen 20+ cars in the ditch. I am hoping that my driving will be alright, and I will make it home safely! There is only one road in particular that I am worried about and I am thinking that I may try to avoid it. Hopefully, though, my next blog will be from the comfort of my home! I am not nearly as upset still, which is awesome! I think it's all this holiday festivity. I was slightly shocked that my professor, the one I have been having problems with, is still not letting up on people. She sent out at email to our class last week saying that if one more person asked to take the quiz at a different time she wouldn't let anyone, including the person with the plane ticket and the one with the parent in the hospital. Now she goes so far to send us an email saying that there is no bad weather for Waverly, and that only the people going north should be concerned, stating that if we are going south our only concern should be getting our belongings to D lot. I thought this was a little far to say, especially when I know that I at least HATE driving in bad weather, seeing as I haven't done it that often. I found it more appalling when one of my friends told me that she posted both these email responses on facebook INCLUDING two students emails to her today saying that they won't be there due to weather related reasons. I think that it is SUPER unprofessional and I know that if my email would have been up there I would have complained. I heard (though I am not into rumors) that she actually did get in trouble for the 2 posts of students emails, though I am not sure. I am just glad my situation is resolved, and I am on good terms with her now (even if that is selfish to say). My group asked her for some help on a project, and seeing as she loves to "help" we are back in her "good graces." I suppose I am not any better for blogging about her, but at least I am not posting it on facebook! I am just so happy to get this math test over with and start heading toward Grinnell! Woohoo!

For the Best

I feel like things are finally starting to turn around, thank goodness! This weekend, was actually not the best. Brett and I have been fighting a lot more, seeing as we both never realized how hard making this work would be. However, things are fine now, and I am surprisingly alright with the fact I am still here at Wartburg (regardless of the fact my whole floor is gone!). Today I had a fun day shopping in Waterloo with my best friend Tricia. I got a lot of Christmas shopping done, and even went so far to wrapping them tonight! It feels good to have them under my belt but at the same time it sucks spending money! I "hate" how money conscious I have gotten in college (though I am sure that it's for the best!) It was nice seeing Tricia too, and helped me relax. I realized that I shouldn't have been so upset about the incident with my professor. I realized that she is really just upset with anyone leaving, and not just me, and while I felt bad for the other people she got mad at it also made me feel better about my situation (as selfish as that may be...). I am just hoping my test goes well tomorrow, and the weather cooperates! I am also equally excited that the situation with my dad ended up working out (thank the Lord, literally-prayer always works!). It ended up my mom was willing to switch Thanksgiving to Friday, so that she could also attend her boyfriends family's dinner in Omaha on Thursday. So now I will be spending Thanksgiving with my dad on Thursday with my younger brother as well. I am ALSO excited that I will be getting to see my "ex-step" (yes-the most awkward thing to say) family this week. My dad was once remarried for 3 years, and seeing as he was having a rough time then as well I grew extremely close with my step mom and sister (especially since I don't have a sister of my own); however, when they divorced I no longer got to see them because it upset my dad to much. I have seen them some since the split 4 years ago, but my dad doesn't know.... HOWEVER, I am still just as excited to see them again, even if it does involve not telling my dad. So all in all, even though I was super bummed about not going home yesterday, things seem to be working out for the best :)

Rage

I am now beyond the point of acceptance. I was fine all of today until math class, when after class I heard two other students discussing with her about taking the test on Monday- the day I wanted to - and she told them to talk to her and, basically, that it was probably ok. I have no idea what the heck I did that was so wrong? Apparently, everyone elses' situation must be a lot worse than mine? Good grief... I hate drama, and I feel like this is ridiculous that my, 40 something year old math teacher is causing it for me. I feel like, for a college I am spending all my money on, it is completely unprofessional to have professors treat students with the disrespect I feel I have been given. However, I don't want to go asking my professor if I can now take the test Monday too because I am not going to put up with another response from her. I plan on making it through the rest of the semester, and then I am going to be sure I NEVER have another class with her. I am usually a pretty forgiving and accepting person, at least I try to be, but I feel like in this situation I have been pushed to the limit. I feel bad putting so much emotion into this situation, and anger towards my professor, seeing as this was probably just a breaking point for everything that has been going on and she just happened to be the one to push me over the edge. I hope that I will be able to look past this event in the near future, and pass this class so that I will never have to feel like this again. Who knew break could bring so many ill feelings? I am most upset that I am not even as excited for break anymore. I will just be glad to be home, and hopefully I will be able to give thanks for the things that actually have been going right lately. This is my last blog on this topic, but I had to let off steam. It seems that I have found a new outlet, in blogging, to help control my emotions. Therefore, props to IS :)

Acceptance

My professor emailed me back. She did give a "sorry" for the tone of her first email- blaming it on stress.  She then did give me the option to take the test at 7:45 in the morning on Wednesday. At that point, I had already accepted I am not supposed to see my dad. Therefore, I have decided there is an apparent reason I am supposed to go to my classes, and I am not going to my dad's. At this point I have no emotion toward the situation. I feel dumb for being so upset earlier. It is only one day, and obviously not worth it. I haven't told my dad yet, but I suppose he deserves some let downs every once in a while too (though I don't really believe "revenge" is a good strategy). I am tired now, from crying and from stressing over something that is obviously not a big deal to anyone else. I felt even stupider when the teacher told me that I could take the test then with a boy who's dad is having heart surgery that afternoon. Obviously I would know that heart surgerys are more important than divorced parents- and frankly my dad has had multiple. In fact, I found out this weekend, again due to my dad's "wonderful" communication skills, that he arrested again (cardiac arrested that is) but his defibrillator worked properly, thank God. I feel numb to the situation now though. This feeling reminds me of my childhood. I've learned over time sometimes numbness is easier than hurt, and getting over things is better than dwelling on them. I will look forward to classes Wednesday, and be grateful I get to go to a school like this at all. With that being said, I am done with this.

Still crying, lovely

I seriously cannot stop crying. Writing it all out seems to help a little, so here we go again... (feel free to not read this one, or if you choose to, please don't comment-no offense of course)




 I feel bad I am so upset about this... Now I am to the point I feel bad for wanting to try and see my dad. Generally, I never am excited to see him. For the past few years, if I see him cool, if I don't that's fine. But lately, and partially I think due to my move to college, I have missed him more and more. While my trust in him is gone, I was actually fairly excited to see him this next week. He had even called me and we had an hour long conversation, something that happens few and far between. I feel like this is just another thing that is supposed to make me mad at him. That by this situation, I am just more upset my parents have to be divorced. If they weren't I wouldn't of had to send the stupid email in the first place. I honestly cannot believe I have been crying for an hour, I feel terrible about it, and probably won't eat for at least a day, which is horrible to say but all too true. I just really cannot understand how I could be judged so quickly, after coming to class and participating all the time, that I would automatically be categorized as skipping. At this point, I am not sure if I will get to my dad's or not because my math professor won't email me back till tomorrow. This is just another thing that I wouldn't have had to deal with if my life what even remotely normal. I am mad now. Mad at my dad, mad at my teacher, mad at myself for sending the emails in the first place. I should have just told him I couldn't see him like all the other times... Not seeing him makes everything hurt less anyway. I don't know why I try to make myself happy sometimes, when all it does it upset everyone else. I really want to go home now. More than ever before. I am mad that I can't focus now, and that I probably won't get anything accomplished until tomorrow when/if she responds. I am dreading my math class, and the snide comments I'm sure my teacher will make about people skipping class. I am mad I am complaining so much. I am mad life isn't easier. I am mad I am letting this get to me so much. I am mad...

Tears

I am so upset right now, so I figured I would let off some steam by writing a blog... Today, I found out that my dad only has off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, a day which I KNOW we have school. It is extremely frustrating because holidays are the worst time to remember that your parents are divorced anyway, and it is bad enough that my dad never tells me anything in advance. So this morning, I emailed all my professors (including you, hah) because I figured that by telling all of them in advance they would not assume I was skipping, like I am sure people will, and I would be able to do the assignments and make up things in advanced. I explained my situation to an extent (not as in depth as I did with you, seeing as you know my situation a little better) and went to work. I was already nervous enough to have to tell my professors I would have to miss because I am not one to ever miss class, not even in high school. So when I got back from work today, I had an email from my math professor, and I assumed that it would be some sort of response understanding my situation. Instead I was confronted with "We have a quiz that day, are you planning on skipping that too?" It completely took me by surprise, so much that I burst out in tears. It makes me extremely mad that she thinks I am attempting to skip her class. I have not missed a single class yet and always try to pay attention and participate in class. Her class is the last class of the day and I am not sure if she misinterpreted my email as to I was only going to be gone for her class, but I am most certainly not. I emailed her back, and was probably much to "snippy" in my email, though a friend who read it said it sounded fine. I just felt like she was judging me for something that wasn't even my fault or intention. I am praying none of my other professors respond like this... I literally have never had a teacher act this way towards me before, and it completely hurt my feelings. I haven't even been to my dad's house since I moved up here, and I have only seen him twice. I can't quit bawling now thinking that the ONE day that he has off, that I could be with him, may not even happen because my professor thinks I am "skipping" her class and doesn't think that this is a legitimate reason. If this isn't I would really like to know what is. I feel awful, and I am hoping that she changes her mind after my second email and lets me take the quiz in advance like I asked too. I feel so stupid because my roommate is in here while I am crying my eyes out. I feel like I am being treated like a little kid and bad student, when in reality, I just want to see my dad...

Debate

I am getting a little nervous for tomorrow's debate. While presentations don't always make me nervous, debates do seeing as there is so much information out there that you are "expected" to know when going into a debate. I am on the Natural Process side and I think that our team will do very well, regardless of the outcome of the debate. I think that our group has been working well together and will hopefully be able to give a good presentation. It is funny because usually in debate it is important you strongly agree with the side you are supporting but in this case I am pretty much in the dead middle. I believe that there are many factors that have to deal with climate change, and I don't think that you can specifically categorize it into one side or the other. I have had fun learning some new facts about global warming over these past few weeks though. I realized there were a lot of things I thought I knew but actually didn't and vice versa. Hopefully I will not get nervous tomorrow and everything will run smoothly. My biggest concern is that I will run out of things to say or be presented with a question that I cannot answer. I think that overall tomorrow's class period will be fun though.

Ebsco and Coughing

As you can see, my latest annoyances are Ebsco and coughing. Ebsco actually isn't that bad. I think that most of the information you can find on it is actually rather interesting to look at, it just seems like every professor decided to have a project involving it at the same time. I feel like I am wasting away in front of the computer searching for articles of relevancy. It is rather hard because I would MUCH rather sit with a copy of the article on paper, however I have neither the printing money or the time to do it any other way. I finished one assignment tonight though so I am hoping that will lower my stress level (and my growing hate towards Ebsco). I am equally sick of coughing! I cannot seem to stop. I was sick two weeks ago (as previously mentioned) and am feeling much better, however, I cannot get rid of this lingering cough I have. It seems like it is always the most inopportune times that I start coughing the most too (like right now in the library...). Hopefully it will go away soon and I will be able to work on homework without interrupting everyone! I am glad that we finished State of Fear this week, though I did enjoy the book (everything expect Bradley being eaten... not the best thing to read before you try to go to bed-it totally grossed me out!). I am having troubles picking which book I want to do for my final project. Right now I think it is between the Andromeda Strain and Timeline. I will have to look into them both a little more first, but I know that I need to get a move on deciding. I am getting so excited for Thanksgiving break (but more importantly the Christmas Break that follows it!). It is crazy to think that first semester is only a month an a half longer. Sometimes I think that time is going so slow, but I imagine college will presumably be like high school, in which you are done before you know it. In a way I hope that is true, but then again I am not sure I want to get into my "working life". I have thought more this week about possibly going into nursing, seeing as I originally wanted to be a PA in an obstetrics unit. I think that a nurse, or nurse practitioner, is more of what I am wanting to do, in regards to handling the patients and newborns, so I am going to keep that idea in mind. For now though, I should get back to work on my assignments.

Home

I just want to go home this week. Have you ever had a week that just dragged on and on? Well this is that week. It is not even that this week has been hard, or busy, I just really wish I was at home. It seems as if every little thing is getting to me this week. I am frustrated because I am still sick when I thought I would be better by now. Equally frustrating is the fact my mom got a new cell phone (one of which has a full alphabet, therefore enabling her with new found texting skills) so she will not leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to my mom, but I am getting tired of answering her questions on how I feel every 2 seconds. I am frustrated with calculus and my professor. I feel as if I do not learn anything in the class, and yet I am not sure how to change that fact. I just feel like my patience is growing thinner and thinner. I think it partially has to do with my best friend here, Kelly. She hasn't done anything wrong, or annoyed me, etc., but her boyfriend of five years (yes, five-ridiculous, I know) put them on a "break" this week. I think that all my patience has been going to her in trying to help her figure things out and feel better. I feel terrible because-to me- it seems that they are most likely going to be officially over in the near future. Her boyfriend started talking to someone else and it is already to easy to see the picture of them together. Though it is hard because I was in his position once, and I am sure he just doesn't understand it is equally as hard for Kelly being here. I assume he is just trying to fill her place, not to replace her, but to replace the image of her; of having a girl there for him at home. I feel terrible for her regardless. She has been so upset, and to top it off she found out she has mono last week. I am not sure how to help her, and I think that is what is stressing me as of now. So whether it be selfish or not, I am ready to go home and get away from everyone, including Kelly. I love helping people, but this week, I think the only person I want/need to help is myself... 

State of Fear

Over fall break I started reading State of Fear. Before reading the book I was a little concerned, due to the length of the book, but as stated it has been a fairly quick read so far. In the beginning I was super confused. I know that Crichton was "setting the scene" but jumping from person to person, and place to place only confused me. I was feeling very frustrated until Morton, Drake and Evans were introduced, then things started looking up. There are definitely a lot of difficult terms to sort through, but I found the further into the book I got the better off I was understanding. I read up through the first section, my original goal, and was surprised when I wanted to keep reading. Now especially, that I am up through Terror, I find the plot thickening more and more-in turn keeping me flipping the pages. I have a feeling that Crichton is going to have a lot more twists up his sleeves, especially concerning Marisa. I also am curious to see whether Morton is actually dead or not. I think that discussing this book in class will be more entertaining than Animal Dreams because I think more people will be involved in the discussion. I am anxious to keep reading and see what happens next. If I were to make a few predictions, I would suspect that someone else is most likely going to die, Sarah and Evans will get closer as they travel together, and I feel like Kenner still may be hiding something that will not arise until later on in the novel. I can't wait to find out.

Relaxation

I am enjoying break so much, I think someone will have to come drag me away from home to get me back to Wartburg. I haven't really been doing that much since I have been home, just sleeping  and watching movies, since I've been sick. I went to the doctor yesterday because my mom was worried I had mono, especially since my best friend at school has it, but thankfully the results came back negative. I am supposed to be retested next week if I still don't feel well though. I am finally feeling a little better today, and I actually got around to doing some of my homework. I have been spending some time with Brett too, which is always fun. We had one of our first serious talks though, since I have been at college, where we discussed some boundaries between us (seeing as he was feeling bad that I have been hanging out with guys, and decided not to tell me until just this week that it was bothering him) So from now on, he is going to work on telling me things, while I am going to work on making him tell me what's wrong when I think something is. Hopefully things will get better, but I am worried that me being so far away is taking to large of a toll on him. I don't know what I am going to do, because I would rather have him be happy, even if that means I don't get to be with him. However, I am hoping these new adjustments will help. I feel bad for my best friend at school, Kelly, though because her boyfriend broke up with her over break AND she figured out she had mono. I am planning on being a really good friend this week, and think I am going to bring her cookies or something. Hopefully things will get better for the both of us!

Sick

I am so happy my biology midterm is done! I feel a little unsure as to how I did, but at this point I do not care. This is partially because I don't feel well. I tend to get sick when I am really excited or nervous for something to happen. It never seems to fail. I have been sick for multiple dance recitals, vacations, tests, campouts, etc. I think it is just that I get my body to work up. So last night while I was trying to study I had a fever of 101 and a super bad headache, which in turn prohibited me from studying as much as I would have liked. I am feeling a little better today, but am still not one hundered percent. I thought about not going to my math class today, and leaving for home early so that I could sleep and perhaps get a doctors appointment but the good student in me is making me go to math. I am so excited to be going home though. I am a little anxious to see Brett because it feels like I haven't seen him forever and these past two weeks were hard because we were both so busy. I felt bad because I barely got to talk to him, or we were busy at opposite times. I had a fun weekend though, and am happy I have actually made some really good friends. It is funny because I actually hung out with Kevin and Tyler (and some other people) two nights in a row this weekend.



It's an IS reunion!

I really feel like I am starting to make some great connections with people and am putting myself out there a little more, but in return it is harder and harder to make time for Brett. I think it may just be because he has had so much football lately though, with their play off games and all. I suppose I will just have to wait it out and seem, but for now YAY BREAK!

Fall Break

I am so excited for fall break! Only three more days, woohoo! This break is much needed. This week, on Wednesday, I have a huge biology test, and I am hoping that all the studying I am doing will pay off, but I still feel like I have a ton left to do and prepare for. Now if only my brain would stay focused! I have been bombarded with other things to think about it seems. For one, I think that my chemistry grade some how got messed up with someones, which wouldn't surprise me with a last name like Smith. I got an email from my academic advisor saying she received notice of my D, which is fairly impossible as I have gotten 100% on all my online homework and I got an A- on our last, and only test. So I have been stressing about that, though I talked to Dr. DeVries today and she is going to look at it for me, and assumes there is a mistake. I have also been stressed with Sonachi (I think I found out this is how you spell her name?) She came and gave me a peer editing paper, after Friday (the day everything was due) and low and behold it was not the one for the IS class. So I, of course, took the time to fill it out for her only for her to come back and hour later with the correct one that she insisted I fill out instead. She never came back and picked them up, and while it is most certainly not my responsibility to turn her papers in, in fact I am extremely tempted to leave them, my inner conscious will make me bring them to class for her. I feel bad writing all these things about her, but boy does she get on my nerves sometimes... Speaking of nerves, my roommate is getting on my last one. This weekend she got completely drunk, and when I went  to Joe's with my friends I saw her and had to pull her off of people, as she was hanging drunkenly on everyone, and  I ended up having to walk her back to our dorm. I don't see how anyone could find something like that attractive, especially the next morning when need I describe what she was doing every fifteen minutes from 6-10... It seriously ticked me off that I had to take care of her when she knows I am not a fan of drinking. To top that off, she apparently caused drama for herself and will not quit telling me the same story over and over, one to which I particularly don't care to hear. Gah... I am so whiny today. THIS is why I need break. I am so excited to go home and see my family and Brett. Three more days, three more days...

Social Change Wheel

Wednesday in class we observed the Social Change Wheel. The wheel divides the different types of "action" people can be taking within their communities. The wheel exemplifies areas such as Direct Service, dealing with "immediate needs," all the way to Grass-roots Political Activity, which "[implements] strategies for changing public policy." In class we took a poll to see the areas we students most greatly identified with. The places of highest interest were Direct Service and Socially Responsible Daily Behavior. I think that these two categories could be expected at this level of life. I know as Derek said, it is more common for "adults" to take charge when it comes to the more public activities. Seeing as many of us have just turned 18 we have not been considered adults for that long. That being said I think that we feel it is easier to make simple changes in ourselves that fit with what society wants, rather than going and taking action with a large group of people. I know that I personally voted for these two categories. I think that sometimes it is just easier to try and "fix" what is wrong with yourself, and better yourself doing daily activities, than looking beyond these things to large community based problems. I started thinking more about the other activities mentioned, and how they were not voted for, and I realized how important most of them are; yet I don't think that I would personally take part in many of them no matter what stage of life I was in. This is a bad thing. What if everyone that is currently active in them just decided to leave their responsibilities to someone else as I am doing? Then there would be no one to run the important political campaigns, service works, etc. Looking at the Social Change Wheel has helped me understand the importance of participating in the community. While it is good that I am being socially responsible I think that I could do better at having a large impact on the entire society.

Breaking Point

Alright, so I know that in my last blog I said I was going to try and be more patient with Sunachi, but today was my breaking point. She came to my room three different times, one of which being five minutes ago. The first time she asked me if I could peer review her paper and of course I said yes, but I was slightly annoyed she didn't take advantage of this time in class and was now expecting me to just do it. I really didn't have a problem though until I started reading it. As I imagined her first paragraph sounded almost identical to mine... (I am not sure if this is something I am more formally supposed to notify you of, so I figured writing about it here would be good enough). I was sort of mad though. When people take things from me, especially when I work hard for them, I am not a happy camper. In high school, a girl cheated off the science portion of my ACTS (and was then "smart" enough to talk about it to other people in my dance class) so I did turn her in. I don't like being a "taddle tail" but this is one of those things that in my book crosses the line. In my opening paragraph I started with some definitions, one of educated and one of education taken from Merriam-Webster online. So I start reading her paper and, guess what? She has the definitions of education and educated too, only from dictionary.com. Thank goodness she didn't take my actual characteristics but I still wasn't thrilled. I am still taking into account that I am sure it is hard for her to grasp the concept of English, and that after seeing my paper it was probably harder for her to develop her own opening idea (and perhaps she thought we had to start it like that). With these things taken into consideration, I was not nearly as upset as I would have been in high school. I'm sure you will notice, however, that I wrote on her paper something along the lines of, "This seems very similar to my paper, and I am only telling you this so you don't get in trouble. I think you should try to make it a little more your own :)." I felt mean at first, but I would much rather have her hand in something that won't cause her to get in trouble though (not that I want her to get in trouble at all; this is more me notifying you so that you don't think I took her idea). Hopefully I am not sounding like a huge "taddle.tail," I just don't want to be penalized either. I am going to stop complaining though. I think I need to go pray a little harder about this situation... My next blog will be on today's class topic. Until then...

Language

Lately, Sunachi (yes, I am sure I butchered this spelling-I don't feel like looking it up though), the Nigerian girl in our IS class has been coming to ask me for help frequently. I feel bad because I know that it must be hard for her being here, yet at the same time she is so hard to understand. I am not saying this to be rude, but honestly, I cannot understand half of what she is saying. It was fine the first time she came and asked for help, but lately she comes at the most inopportune times, and one time my roommate came back from the bathroom, when I was gone, and she was apparently just sitting in our room. Yesterday she asked me about our current paper, which I thought was ironic. She didn't even seem to know what the paper was over, even though we have a rubric, a paper about it, and had a day of peer revision. I tried to help explain to her, and let her look over mine a little, since reading is easier than talking. I hopefully was helpful, but am also slightly worried her paper will be similar to mine now. I am sure she is having a really hard time though. When she said that she hadn't yet received any mail from home, I felt so bad. I would feel terrible if my family wasn't sending me things. I wish that I was of more help, and that I was able to look at the situation through her eyes. I know that I am doing the right thing, by helping her, but sometimes (actually almost every time) my heart has not been in the right place. Hopefully I will be able to connect with her in some way so that I can be of better assistance to her. I am glad she feels like she can talk to me, though I'm not sure why me? Either way, I am going to pray that she gets a package soon.

Imperfection

I am finally feeling like I am getting myself a little caught up today, though I'm sure the feeling won't last. I am so ready for fall break that I can't focus on anything lately it seems; my imperfection for the week. I think that I am homesick, slightly, but I seemed to have blocked all feelings for the sake of sparing my emotions. When I was younger, I was extremely good at this. Looking back, I always wonder how I didn't explode. It seems the older I get the less and less patient, and more emotional, I become in certain situations. I think that I am also a little down because my best friend, Tricia, can no longer come up for homecoming this weekend because she too is getting behind in some classes. I am not mad at her, just sad I will virtually be spending homecoming with no one I really want to. I did make some new girl friends this week, which is positive, but all I really feel like doing is being at home with my family and Brett. If I just keep my mind set on break, however, I know the week will go by faster. I don't know how people survive college sometimes. I always thought it would be hard, but not this hard. In my opinion people shouldn't go to college until they are thirty, hah. But in all honesty, who decided that an eighteen year old was ready for this kind of stress? I don't know how much I enjoy growing up anymore. Why is it kids never realize they had it good until they are grown up? At least I know I didn't. Perhaps it is a maturity thing (look at me, implying that I'm mature, hah!). But I better quit blogging and go to work, another "adult activity" I wish I didn't have to engage in. Until next time...

Weekend

Alright, here is my weekend in picture style:

My pumpkin is Cinderella's castle!



Pictures after church.



Pumpkins

I feel so busy lately. I swear, it seems I have less and less time to do things I actually enjoy. College homework is literally taking over my life! This is the first time I have even had a chance to be on the computer, or the Internet I should say, because I have been so busy writing papers and doing other homework. I am definitely getting more stressed as midterms quickly approach. It is sad because with all this talk we have done about being intrinsically motivated you would think that I would be excited to learn, and I should be, but in reality I already want to be done with college, hah. Maybe I am just getting homesick again, who knows, but I can say that I did not particularly want to come back this weekend. I just love being at home, and while I don't feel sad being here anymore, I just feel so stressed. I am so ready for Christmas break, even though I know it is still a good two months away. I feel better though because I got my Portrait of a Learner paper done tonight so that took some stress off my shoulders. I still feel like I could always be doing something though, which is not always a fun feeling. I am starting to think this is probably what a mom feels like all the time though, always having to tend to someone else and what not. When I was younger I always told my mom I wanted five kids, hah! I think I was probably being a little unrealistic. I don't know how, being at an older age and more tired than I am now, I would ever be able to handle that many. It definitely makes me appreciate my mom more though. Now if only my homework would start doing itself then I would really have something to appreciate. This week/weekend went well though. I am tired, but I had a great time. I got to go to UNI to see my girlfriends, and finished my weekend off at home with my family and Brett carving pumpkins. I'm sure I'll post some pictures here soon. I am a huge picture fanatic.

Not Again

Alright, here it comes. The long rant about my roommate. In all honesty, I never thought that I would be writing about her. She is really nice, and I know that I should be thankful that I wasn't stuck with someone worse, but oh my goodness. Now I know that living with someone, anyone, is a new task to say the least. At first, I thought that while I figured I would get slightly annoyed I would still be able to manage living with someone new; however, I am now starting to rethink my initial assumption. My roommate, is very how you may say "spunky," and not only that she is in a way "socially awkward." I mean all of these statements in the nicest way possible, and I don't mean to be judging my roommate at all, but sometimes she is just, well, plain annoying. I feel like I am going behind her back by writing about her but I just cannot take it any more. Recently, the real problem arouse. My roommate is single, which can apparently seem like a big deal (though I don't recall feeling this way since my freshman year in high school) but perhaps this stems from the fact she has never had a boyfriend. I have had enough to know you are almost better off without one at all, while she, on the other hand, is dying to have one. Now I can understand a person being upset they are single, but here is the real kicker: she has started crying almost every single day about it. I try to always be understanding, and comforting but there is only so much one person can take. Every night, she will not be quiet about the boys she is looking at on facebook, the boys she did or didn't text, the problems she is having, how no one likes her and she will be a cat lady (and I am not even kidding, this is an actual statement from her). Then, the tears will kick in and an hour of my time will be spent trying to comfort her and telling her that she will in fact find someone some day who treats her how she should be. I am not sure what to do about this. Maybe I am just being to harsh? I know she is having a really hard time because today I walked in and she was bawling and said she hated it here, and I know how she feels because it is how I felt the second day being here, but I am not sure what to tell her? She got ditched by a group of girls last weekend, and I have been told, by another friend, that the girls ditched her because they found out after hanging out with her once how annoying she is, but how do you tell someone that their problems aren't going to be fixed unless they change and tone it down? My friend that told me this invited me in to talk to the girls who ditched her about how annoying she is, and I said no, for one, I think that is terribly rude to talk behind someones back, and two because I know how much it would hurt her to find out people were saying these things. I just need a way to help her, well, be less annoying (however the heck you do that...). I really do feel sincerely bad for her, and I am going to pray she finds a better, and nicer, friend group. I just hope that all this crying stops because it is honestly cutting into my study time, not to mention hers which she really could be using. I am done though, even if it did feel good to let that all out...

Outfly

I am still thanking God that Outfly was yesterday; what a great surprise! I was having a really stressful week and was praying that there would be a break, and as always God prevailed! It was such a nice feeling to get to sleep in after the intial bell ringing. I was a little dissapointed I had a huge biology project that I still had to work on (a solid five hours!) but at least I had time to get it done so that I didn't have to stay up to late doing it. Then last night I was able to watch some TV, something I usually never do, so that was nice. I think that my roommate feels "bad" for me because I am generally in the room, but in all honesty I like being alone. It is not that I am trying to exclude myself, I just would rather not go hang out with the other girls on my floor. It is funny that I used to be so focused on having girlfriends and being liked and after moving to college I really don't mind being the "outcast" (even though I am most certainly not even near an outcast status). Maybe I just don't want to make new friends because I don't want to replace my old ones? I'm not sure, but I enjoyed being alone and simply watching TV. On a different topic, I am so excited because Brett is coming up to see me tomorrow. I cannot wait to spend the whole day with him. He is taking me out to eat and I plan on just having a whole movie day with him. I am hoping to get most of my homework done tonight so that I don't have to worry about it this weekend while he is here. Hopefully my roommate doesn't think I'm weird, as I will probably stay in again tonight, but oh well. She seems to be getting on my nerves more and more... I think I am just going to pray about it and try to be understanding for the time being. I had better go though, I have my Chemistry lab in a little while (my only class of the day!).

One More Thing...

I can't leave without posting a few pictures. The first three are of my boyfriend, Brett, and I before he went to eat at his friend's house for Homecoming. The final picture, however, is of my best girlfriends and I at the Homecoing football game. Enjoy!

Busy

If I thought I was feeling overwhelmed before, I was wrong. This week is the most stressed I have been at college up to this point. Last week I, obviously, was missing home and having a rough time. It seemed like every little thing was getting to me, and sadly I ripped all of my nails off (You may be thinking what? But it is a horrible habit I have had since elementary school and I hadn't touched my nails upon moving to college until last week.) I was super dissappointed in myself. They may just be nails, but you can always tell my stress level by their length, which is now super short. However, things were looking up this weekend when I was able to go home and see all of my wonderful friends. I hadn't expected everyone to be so different, yet even being at the high school felt like a foreign place. I was not used to sitting, and watching the game from in the stands versus on the sideline. Alas, I had a really good time, and was super happy to sleep in my own bed. Saturday, the dreaded homecoming dance, actually turned out to be a great surprise. My boyfriend got ready and went out to eat with his friends but just as I thought he was going to the dance he came back to my house and surprised me. I am not sure if I should feel slightly selfish about my joy in him not going to the dance, but if selfish is what I am then I guess I am alright with that for now. I did not want to come back to Wartburg because as predicted I have gotten so much homework in the past day and a half. I don't always understand how teachers expect you to finish everything you need to. It would not be so bad if I didn't have two major tests this week, one of which being math. I feel like I need someone to press the pause button, but the clock remains ticking. Thank goodness for coffee and pixie sticks. I literally have been on a caffeine high, and am still so tired (which is probably why I fell climbing UP my loft ladder, and have a lovely gash to prove it). I should stop typing though because I have to study for my chemistry, study for my math, write the rest of my Animal Dreams paper, read for IS, read for biology, read for chemistry... Should I keep going or do you get the picture? So here I go...

Frustration

This morning didn't not get off to the best start. I suppose this all stems from last night. My boyfriend and I finally discussed his going to homecoming, and while I want him to go, because I do not want him to miss out on this opportunity, the thought of him dancing with other girls is not a image I particularly enjoy. I know I am being selfish in a sense, because I trust Brett, I just don't trust the girls at my old high school. This situation has put a slight "strain" on our relationship for the time being, and I hate feeling down about something so silly as a high school dance. I know Brett feels bad now, and I am worried that because he knows I am a little upset that he won't go. I did send him an email this morning, however, telling him how I felt and that I do want him to go. Besides, all of my girlfriends will be home this weekend anyway, and if he goes to the dance it will give me an opportunity to see them without feeling guilty about not seeing Brett. Still, jealousy is a funny thing. I love the quote by Havelock Ellis, "Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive." In fact, I have this quote on my facebook page because I think there is so much truth in it. This is why I am trying my best to understand the point of view Brett is in, and realize that it is just a high school dance, nothing more. I know that relationships need to be built on trust and therefore I am going to attempt, key word being attempt, to not worry about this weekend. Still, the image of Brett dancing is imprinted on the back of my mind, though I am trying to suppress it. I am also frustrated because currently I am at work, so why am I blogging you ask? My boss is gone today, and it just so happens that the server is down and I cannot do anything I am supposed to be doing. Therefore, I had to ask the secretary what she thought I should do; her response being call ITS. So ITS was called at 9:25, and as you can tell it is 10:45 now and they have still not arrived. I feel like I am just wasting time, although I should be happy I am currently getting paid to sit and do nothing, but I hate feeling unproductive. I feel bad because I won't have the files indexed like my boss thought I would, and I know she will not be upset, since the server is down and it isn't my fault, but I still feel useless sitting at this computer; giving me to much time to think. I am trying to remember to be patient and understand that everyone else is probably just as busy as I am. Again, why am I being so selfish lately! I really need to pray about this I think. Hopefully my mindset will be changed this week. I suppose I should try and log on the server again though. Wish me luck!

California

On a lighter note, this summer I went to California (where I mentioned previously I lived for a month of the summer of 2009) with 3 of my closest friends. We stayed with my aunt and uncle, and were even fortunate enough to get to spend two nights down at a hotel on the beach. I am so grateful for my relatives and all the money and support they provide my family. So I figured, since my aunt is starting her own photography business and did a photo shoot of us girls, I would post some of the pictures as I just received them on a CD in the mail. Enjoy!

Doctor

Today in class we dicussed a "liberal education" and its' true meaning. It was said that a liberal education is meant to be learning for simply the sake of, well, learning. I would love to think I am truly here at college to learn, simply because I want to know new things, and concepts, but in reality this is not the case. I suppose I would consider myself one of the people Giamatti refered to as having a different purpose, in the sense that I don't "want" a liberal education. It's not that I don't want one, and talking about this subject has got me thinking that I should be in search of a bigger purpose for my being here at Wartburg. Before this discussion today my whole goal in coming here was to one day get into medical school. I saw Wartburg as a stepping stone to get me to where I needed to be; now I feel I may need to start living in the "real world" instead of searching or waiting for it. I did not always want to be a doctor, in fact I'm still not sure I do. It amazes me, this choice, to be honest. I hated hospitals as a child, and actually swore once that I would never work in one, hah! However, as time went on and I started taking higher level science courses people kept telling me how good I was in the subject, and suddenly my views and aspirations changed. I still am not sure I want to be a doctor for the right reasons though. I do love science, and I love helping people, but I am slightly worried that money may be a bigger motive for me in this decision. My family is far from wealthy. I know my mom tries her hardest, but lets face it, in today's economy being a single mom of two making only $30,000 a year isn't going to cut it. I hate the reality of this fact, and all the sacrafices that my mom makes for me (again another reason I love her so much). Coming to Wartburg has been one of the most expensive decisions, for me, on our family. Even after receiving nearly $30,000 in scholarships, I still don't know how we are ever going to pay for it. One semester alone has financially hurt my family so bad that my mom is talking about taking on a second job, something that I personally would not allow, seeing as she already works to hard. However, this fact alone is why I am trying my hardest to reach a goal that will one day provide me the income to support my family. So that one day, my daughter won't be blogging about how worried she is she'll even finish college because of financial constraints (something that would break my mother's heart if she ever found out I was doing). Therefore, I am not sure if my motives are justified, in wanting to become a doctor. Regardless, I am stubborn, and my mom will be getting her money's worth, so that one day I can pay her back for everything she has done. So while my purpose here, at this moment in time, may not be centered on getting a liberal arts education, I feel my purpose is bigger in a sense that someday I will be able to provide the securities for my family that I wish I had now.

Kittens

I had the best weekend ever. My mom, brother, and boyfriend all came up on Saturday evening and I got to give them a short "tour" of campus. The best part, however, was that fact that I got to leave with them! I was super excited to go home; I was getting pretty homesick this past week. I also got to eat at my favorite restaurant, Olive Garden. I never realized how much I missed "good" food (no offense to the Mensa of course), but in all honesty I took my mom's cooking for granted way more than I should have! I also got to see my mom's boyfriend, Sam's, baby kittens (hence the title of my blog). A few weeks ago my mom's boyfriend got a cat, Pepper, that was literally the skinniest cat I had ever seen; however, Sam swore that after it arrived at his house it had kittens. My mom and I did not believe him until one morning I got a picture message from Sam. In the picture were two baby kittens sleeping in the bottom of a horses' empty watering tank! Sam of course, being the witty, humorous, know-it-all he is, captioned the photo as, "Two kittens, I have named them both 'Grits'. You can come kiss my grits anytime you want to." All in all though, I was so glad that he was right because they are the cutest kittens ever, so of course I am going to post some pictures of them.

They are the sweetest things ever! I am a huge animal lover, and I think they are so cute. There are two, as shown above, and Brett and I went to visit them a few weeks ago when these pictures were taken. I was super sad though, because this weekend Sam had to break the news to me that Pepper, the mom, died. I am still pretty upset about it, and am even more upset the little fluff balls are all alone now. It was so sad to hold them on Saturday because you can tell they feel completely abandoned. I am sure they feel kind of how I did upon moving to college. It is hard to be without your mom. My mom's mom died this past summer, and I had to watch how hard that was for her, and while it is not as extreme for these kittens I couldn't help but feel for them. Being alone is one of my biggest fears in life. I think this stems from being "left" by my dad, and I fear that I will always be being left by someone; though these feeling are starting to become repressed. I am actually happier right now in life than I ever have been before. I think one reason is because of Brett, and the second because of Wartburg. I am so happy I have been given this chance to come be a new person. I couldn't be happier, and I am just going to keep praying the kittens get a "second chance" too.

Football

Tonight I am also missing Tiger football, and cheer leading! So here is a picture memory.

Irony

I found it extremely interesting that we talked about the exact concept (impressions and stereotypes) that was on my mind the other day! Can you say deja vu? I thought it was interesting that we were asked to describe myself. I know the stereotypes that come with "cheer leading captain" so now I am slightly worried what people think of me. It is interesting that I don't see myself fitting any of those stereotypes that come along with the title. For me, it was a fun hobby that allowed me to watch my friends play football, and exercise my leadership skills, since I want to be a doctor in the future. I also thought it was interesting the concept of drinking was brought up. Contrary to popular stereotypes, I have never drank. I felt like I could connect with the statement that watching people drink is nothing but, in a sense, stupid. I think that this feeling may resonate with the fact I have seen enough drunkenness in my life. I do not want to be pitied for my father's actions, and I do not judge people that do drink, I just feel like it is a terrible thing if abused. I wish that drinking wasn't so popular among college campuses. It is frustrating to see so many people participate in something that has personally caused me so much hurt. I know that some of these people I see drinking now could end up being abusers, and it is frustrating to just watch them fall down what I would consider the wrong path. I think this is why Brett and I are so good together; his father is also an alcoholic. He understands what I have been through to an extent, as I understand him. My last boyfriend, Sam, didn't understand my feelings on this concept. He was two years older than I, and he would participate in drinking with his friends. I broke up with him, because I knew that I never wanted to be with someone like that. He was upset, as he thought he "loved" me; then made up rumors about me so that many of the upperclassmen hated me. I would receive close to 10 Internet text messages a day saying horrible things. It ended up being so bad that I went to live with my aunt and uncle in California for a month of the summer, and also had my number changed. To me, this is just yet another example of what drinking can do. It can change a person's perceptive of situations and relationships. Enough of this topic though, I find it to depressing, and why be depressed; it is Friday! So enough writing, I think I will go pop in a movie and wait to hear the result of Brett's game.

Best Friends

I also thought, while I was writing, I would share a picture from this past weekend of my best friend, Tricia, and I. I love my friends, and miss seeing all of my close friends (seeing as we all went to different schools). To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him."

Tricia and I

Claude Monet

The title of my blog is Claude Monet, one of my favorite impressionist painters, because I wanted to talk a little bit about impressions that people give off. I think it is interesting to see people in the classroom setting versus outside of it. I will not name any names in particular, and I am not judging anyone, but I find it odd how differently people can act when it comes to pleasing the teacher, or being comical for the sake of the class. I have heard some outside stories about one classmate in particular and I honestly feel bad for this student. I feel like the stories I've heard are making them out to be someone they are not in class, or perhaps they are acting this way outside of class to cope with some other kind of personal struggle they are having. I hope that this person realizes that what they are doing does circulate through the student population, whether they are wanting it to or not. I hope that when people see me they are seeing the same person all the time. I know that in high school I was judged many times; for being cheerleading captain, for dating someone younger than me, for breaking up with a popular boy, and once opinions are formed they are extremely hard to change. I know (now that my brother is in high school and he has been told) people have said bad, or hurtful, things about me that I would not consider true at all. It is terrible to get a reputation from the rumors caused by other people, in this case my ex, because although the people that actually mattered to me knew the truth it is hard not to care what other people think. I have enjoyed coming to college because it has allowed me to leave my old "reputation" behind. It is not that I did not enjoy high school, but coming to college is like opening a new door. I hope that this person, as I have, will eventually realize that even small mistakes, actions, can turn in to large rumors of false information; which is why I am not judging this person, because it may in fact be I have just heard multiple rumors. In fact, I hope that is the case.

Necklace

Today I am really missing my boyfriend. I know it is sort of a dumb thing to blog about, and I am sure I sound like some eighth grader pining over the "love of their life" but alas, I am still typing. While this transition is finally getting to be a little easier, the one hard part is being so far away from Brett. It has always been hard dating someone who is younger than me, and I have heard enough times that we won't stay together, but so far so good so why give up just because I moved? When Brett came to visit the other weekend he brought me a necklace, a late gift for our sixth month anniversary. I keep watching it dangle around my neck and although I love wearing it, and what it symbolizes, is it wrong of me to think that sometimes I don't want to carry it? (Looking back on into The Things They Carried...) It is alot harder than I thought to be with someone who is at such a different stage in life. In two weeks, Brett will have homecoming and he is insisting, since I will be home that weekend, that he is not going. I have of course told him otherwise; why would I want to be the reason he misses out on things? I am not sure how I can get him to see my point of view, though I suppose I shouldn't complain seeing how good of a boyfriend he is; by far better than any I have ever had. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what the outcome is. I don't feel like I want to break up with him, I just feel bad that he is willing to miss out on things when in reality, I don't think I am.

Wishful Thinking

All I want to be doing is sleeping. This weekend has been crazy, hectic, and way to fast. It seems that the week never goes fast enough, but my weekend sure can fly by. I had a great time going home this weekend. I was extremely happy to see Brett and my family. I was a little disappointed because my brother, who is now a freshman in high school, is finally starting to act like a freshman in high school. I remember going through the same phase, thinking my mother was the most embarrassing person I knew and that the universe revolved around me (Ha, yeah right!) I have always told my brother that looking back if I could change one thing it would be being nicer to my mom; yet he still is getting the same attitude I once had. I almost feel as if I am to blame. I know that Nathan looks up to me, but at the time I didn't realize how much of an impact I was making. It was so nice seeing him and my mom though. My mom was mad that I didn't get to spend that much time with her, but it was really hard trying to balance seeing everyone! I am so happy that I am finally starting to like college, and that I was even excited to come back. My appetite, which I usually lose in stressful situations, is finally coming back. This is probably a good thing seeing as my mom and boyfriend keep commenting on how much weight I have lost; though there is nothing to worry about. I did lose 12 pounds after being here for the first 2 weeks, but I promise it is only because I was stressed, and I have been eating like a pig since (I'm eating as I type now, ha!) Another positive note, my best friend, Tricia, got to come up to Wartburg with me this weekend. She goes to Truman State in Missouri so seeing her was awesome, since the most we usually see each other is through Skype which is only so nice, depending on the college's Internet connection speed. We had a fun night hanging out with some of my friends here on campus, but boy do I wish I had started homework sooner. I really realize how bad my procrastination is after being in college (and it's only been one week, kill me now!). I feel bad because my roommate, Sarah, is sleeping and I will probably still be up for another hour studying for my first math test tomorrow. On that note, I should probably go before I fall asleep on the keyboard.

Sleep

I titled this blog "sleep" because I have had such a lack of sleep lately that I feel it deserves to be put to use a little more. I am not a morning person, at all; I would rather stay up till midnight, but I am having a hard time finding enough hours of the day to sleep. I feel like I always have something I could, or should, be doing. I feel like I am back in kindergarten, except the teachers never tell me to get out my towel for nap time; instead they hand me yet another assignment and I am as tired as I was before I received it. Sometimes I wish I was still young, younger. It's funny how little you appreciate your childhood while it is happening. Only now that I can look back at "play-time" or even better, "nap-time," I realize how fortunate I was to have time for anything remotely close to playing or napping. I know it is just me complaining about the adjustment, but sometimes I wonder why I ever wanted to grow up so fast? On a better note, I am finally starting to understand math; only a little, but it's better than nothing. I also get to go home this weekend, which I am so excited about. It will be my first time home since I moved up here, and while I originally wanted to stay an entire month at first, I could not be happier for a weekend at home. I am super excited to see Brett, and my family, including my puppy and kitty who I am missing terribly. It is also my best friend's nineteenth birthday and she will be back in Grinnell as well therefore we are having a movie date. I am surprised that I am a little sad I will be missing that game here though, which I didn't expect. Enough rambling though, I am just wasting more precious time I need to be spending in the library.

Derivatives

As I thought, my math class is hard. The title of this blog is in fact my lesson of the week, derivatives. I feel like I am the only one in my class that has no idea what is going on. We sit in tables of four, and I feel like I am by far the least knowledgeable at my table, if not the entire class. I have always been decently good at math. I have been in the excelled math program at my school, and was a year ahead in math at the my high school; however, my pre-calculus class must have been a joke. I am hoping that by going to the SI session tonight I may have a little bit of a better understanding but I hate asking so many questions, especially since I'm sure Scott, my SI leader, already thinks I am mentally incapable of learning any math problem on the planet. To top this off I had my first biology lab today. The good news is I love my professor, Dr. Ventullo, but I do not like my table group. I sit with three other girls, which is not a bad thing, but as any girl knows, girls like to be in charge. There is a girl at my table who I feel thinks she is better than everyone else in the classroom. It was hard trying to come to any kind of agreement with her today because it seems like whatever she says goes. We were trying to create a hypothesis for our lab next week, and I do not feel satisfied with the hypothesis we have created, but I feel bad saying anything because the other two girls agreed with the one in question. I think I will just let it go for now; perhaps I am the one who just wants to be in charge. Maybe taking the back seat will be good for a change; however, if our hypothesis is wrong, it will not be my fault.

Progression

Today I am feeling much better about being a college student. I am finally starting to like the freedom that comes with college, although I am still trying to work on procrastinating less. I am most excited about the new job that I have received. I applied for an office job in the Communication and Marketing office, and was really nervous for my interview, so I figured I would not get the job. I was right, in the fact I did receive the rejection email, but to my surprise the next email in my inbox told me that the first recipient declined the job and I was second pick. While I am not sure how I feel about knowing that I was not originally chosen, I am happy that I will not have to end up in dining services like a few of my friends. This weekend I also got to see my mom, who was coming through town with her boyfriend, and my own boyfriend. Seeing both of them was nice, but also a little weird. I feel as if I have been here at school much longer than a week therefore it was a bit awkward at first, especially with my boyfriend, and I had not anticipated that. We will see how things go this week. I am slightly stressed with homework already. I feel as if high school did not necessarily do a great job of preparing me for all the things I would have to do on my own, but I am learning.

My First Blog

      To get things started on my first ever blog I'll start off with some basics. My name is Emily Smith and I am  from Grinnell, Iowa. I am currently a biology/pre-med major at Wartburg College in Waverly, Iowa. My parents are Todd and Amy Smith, and I have one younger brother, Nathan, who is 14. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom. I love to dance, and danced at an academy for 13 years. So far I am having an alright time at college. This move, for me, has been emotionally hard. I am extremely close with my mom, and being her one and only daughter, and her oldest child, this idea of separation is fairly new. My family life hasn't always been the best, though I won't go into detail, my father is a recovering alcoholic who two years ago had a severe cardiac arrest that put him in the ICU at the University of Iowa hospital for two weeks in a coma. Since then he has had a hard time maintaining a steady job and paying my mom child support. Though don't get me wrong, I am fairly close with my father as well, even if the choices he made previously weren't always the best. The reason I am stating all this is to point how much I in fact miss my mom, because I am so used to her being there for me. My mom is by far the best person I know and I am having a hard time not being at home with her and my brother. On top on this I have a boyfriend, named Brett, who is still in high school, an hour and forty five minutes away, and I have already suffered from depression in the past. Alas, I am really starting to enjoy myself. Even though I am already dreading my math class, applied calculus, I am really liking all the people I'm meeting and really love the small Wartburg campus. Hopefully by the next time I blog I will be even more settled in and start feeling a little more at "home."

My mom and I