Crunch Time

These three remaining weeks are starting to get very hectic. I am not looking forward to all the studying I know is coming. It is hard, I feel, to prepare for some many things at one time. I AM excited, however, for winter break. Three weeks off is exactly what I need! There are many projects, and assignments I need to do, but lately it is hard to figure out what to do first. My planner has become exceptionally useful this week, and I have note cards everywhere as reminders of the projects I need to finish. Though I feel stressed now, I know that it will only get worse, but I suppose I will make it through if I just keep imagining the time at home. I love Christmas, it is my favorite time of year. (Clique, but true) I decorated my whole house when I went home because I was so excited, and didn't want to miss out on any decorating. I am excited for cookies, and old Christmas movies, etc. I am also looking forward to the new classes that will come after break. Though I am excited to rid of math, I will miss IS. Next semester I will still have biology and chemistry, and will then pick up Spanish and composition. I am a little worried that next semester will be more stressful, but I am hoping that the skills I learned this semester will have prepared me for the next.

Timeline

For my final project, I have been reading the book Timeline. I am more than 3/4 of the way done with it, and I am thoroughly pleased that I picked this novel. Upon first starting it, I wasn't sure if I had made the right choice, but it seems that I can't put the book down. I was very surprised that the idea expressed, quantum mechanics/chemistry, is a topic that Dr. Drolet just talked about in my Chemistry 113 classroom. He himself even mentioned the idea of traveling. I think that novel in that it doesn't feel like a science book, as even Jurassic Park did. I think that there is a lot more history, and a plot, that makes the novel an easier read. I am excited to see what happens, though slightly disappointed a review I read before reading the actual novel gave away a major point of the plot. I am still excited to see the results for myself though. I think that the paper will be easier to write than I thought, and if not, I have already asked Dr. Drolet for help if I get in a bind (which I'm crossing my fingers I won't). I am anxious for the project as well. I felt a little bad that I didn't ask Sarah to work with me, but it seemed as though she wanted to work alone (then again, I never did ask...) BUT I am really excited to do the project with Kevin and Derek, after Kevin asked me to be with them. I get a kick out of the two of them, and I think that it will be fun to do a project together. I think that we are going to possibly do a movie, though I'm not entirely sure. I hope that it is more fun than stressful and turns out good!

Weather

So I am sitting in my room waiting for my last two classes and I am PRAYING that the weather holds off. I WILL be going home no matter what, hah! My friend Tricia sent me a text saying to be careful though, that she was going home from Des Moines and had seen 20+ cars in the ditch. I am hoping that my driving will be alright, and I will make it home safely! There is only one road in particular that I am worried about and I am thinking that I may try to avoid it. Hopefully, though, my next blog will be from the comfort of my home! I am not nearly as upset still, which is awesome! I think it's all this holiday festivity. I was slightly shocked that my professor, the one I have been having problems with, is still not letting up on people. She sent out at email to our class last week saying that if one more person asked to take the quiz at a different time she wouldn't let anyone, including the person with the plane ticket and the one with the parent in the hospital. Now she goes so far to send us an email saying that there is no bad weather for Waverly, and that only the people going north should be concerned, stating that if we are going south our only concern should be getting our belongings to D lot. I thought this was a little far to say, especially when I know that I at least HATE driving in bad weather, seeing as I haven't done it that often. I found it more appalling when one of my friends told me that she posted both these email responses on facebook INCLUDING two students emails to her today saying that they won't be there due to weather related reasons. I think that it is SUPER unprofessional and I know that if my email would have been up there I would have complained. I heard (though I am not into rumors) that she actually did get in trouble for the 2 posts of students emails, though I am not sure. I am just glad my situation is resolved, and I am on good terms with her now (even if that is selfish to say). My group asked her for some help on a project, and seeing as she loves to "help" we are back in her "good graces." I suppose I am not any better for blogging about her, but at least I am not posting it on facebook! I am just so happy to get this math test over with and start heading toward Grinnell! Woohoo!

For the Best

I feel like things are finally starting to turn around, thank goodness! This weekend, was actually not the best. Brett and I have been fighting a lot more, seeing as we both never realized how hard making this work would be. However, things are fine now, and I am surprisingly alright with the fact I am still here at Wartburg (regardless of the fact my whole floor is gone!). Today I had a fun day shopping in Waterloo with my best friend Tricia. I got a lot of Christmas shopping done, and even went so far to wrapping them tonight! It feels good to have them under my belt but at the same time it sucks spending money! I "hate" how money conscious I have gotten in college (though I am sure that it's for the best!) It was nice seeing Tricia too, and helped me relax. I realized that I shouldn't have been so upset about the incident with my professor. I realized that she is really just upset with anyone leaving, and not just me, and while I felt bad for the other people she got mad at it also made me feel better about my situation (as selfish as that may be...). I am just hoping my test goes well tomorrow, and the weather cooperates! I am also equally excited that the situation with my dad ended up working out (thank the Lord, literally-prayer always works!). It ended up my mom was willing to switch Thanksgiving to Friday, so that she could also attend her boyfriends family's dinner in Omaha on Thursday. So now I will be spending Thanksgiving with my dad on Thursday with my younger brother as well. I am ALSO excited that I will be getting to see my "ex-step" (yes-the most awkward thing to say) family this week. My dad was once remarried for 3 years, and seeing as he was having a rough time then as well I grew extremely close with my step mom and sister (especially since I don't have a sister of my own); however, when they divorced I no longer got to see them because it upset my dad to much. I have seen them some since the split 4 years ago, but my dad doesn't know.... HOWEVER, I am still just as excited to see them again, even if it does involve not telling my dad. So all in all, even though I was super bummed about not going home yesterday, things seem to be working out for the best :)

Rage

I am now beyond the point of acceptance. I was fine all of today until math class, when after class I heard two other students discussing with her about taking the test on Monday- the day I wanted to - and she told them to talk to her and, basically, that it was probably ok. I have no idea what the heck I did that was so wrong? Apparently, everyone elses' situation must be a lot worse than mine? Good grief... I hate drama, and I feel like this is ridiculous that my, 40 something year old math teacher is causing it for me. I feel like, for a college I am spending all my money on, it is completely unprofessional to have professors treat students with the disrespect I feel I have been given. However, I don't want to go asking my professor if I can now take the test Monday too because I am not going to put up with another response from her. I plan on making it through the rest of the semester, and then I am going to be sure I NEVER have another class with her. I am usually a pretty forgiving and accepting person, at least I try to be, but I feel like in this situation I have been pushed to the limit. I feel bad putting so much emotion into this situation, and anger towards my professor, seeing as this was probably just a breaking point for everything that has been going on and she just happened to be the one to push me over the edge. I hope that I will be able to look past this event in the near future, and pass this class so that I will never have to feel like this again. Who knew break could bring so many ill feelings? I am most upset that I am not even as excited for break anymore. I will just be glad to be home, and hopefully I will be able to give thanks for the things that actually have been going right lately. This is my last blog on this topic, but I had to let off steam. It seems that I have found a new outlet, in blogging, to help control my emotions. Therefore, props to IS :)

Acceptance

My professor emailed me back. She did give a "sorry" for the tone of her first email- blaming it on stress.  She then did give me the option to take the test at 7:45 in the morning on Wednesday. At that point, I had already accepted I am not supposed to see my dad. Therefore, I have decided there is an apparent reason I am supposed to go to my classes, and I am not going to my dad's. At this point I have no emotion toward the situation. I feel dumb for being so upset earlier. It is only one day, and obviously not worth it. I haven't told my dad yet, but I suppose he deserves some let downs every once in a while too (though I don't really believe "revenge" is a good strategy). I am tired now, from crying and from stressing over something that is obviously not a big deal to anyone else. I felt even stupider when the teacher told me that I could take the test then with a boy who's dad is having heart surgery that afternoon. Obviously I would know that heart surgerys are more important than divorced parents- and frankly my dad has had multiple. In fact, I found out this weekend, again due to my dad's "wonderful" communication skills, that he arrested again (cardiac arrested that is) but his defibrillator worked properly, thank God. I feel numb to the situation now though. This feeling reminds me of my childhood. I've learned over time sometimes numbness is easier than hurt, and getting over things is better than dwelling on them. I will look forward to classes Wednesday, and be grateful I get to go to a school like this at all. With that being said, I am done with this.

Still crying, lovely

I seriously cannot stop crying. Writing it all out seems to help a little, so here we go again... (feel free to not read this one, or if you choose to, please don't comment-no offense of course)




 I feel bad I am so upset about this... Now I am to the point I feel bad for wanting to try and see my dad. Generally, I never am excited to see him. For the past few years, if I see him cool, if I don't that's fine. But lately, and partially I think due to my move to college, I have missed him more and more. While my trust in him is gone, I was actually fairly excited to see him this next week. He had even called me and we had an hour long conversation, something that happens few and far between. I feel like this is just another thing that is supposed to make me mad at him. That by this situation, I am just more upset my parents have to be divorced. If they weren't I wouldn't of had to send the stupid email in the first place. I honestly cannot believe I have been crying for an hour, I feel terrible about it, and probably won't eat for at least a day, which is horrible to say but all too true. I just really cannot understand how I could be judged so quickly, after coming to class and participating all the time, that I would automatically be categorized as skipping. At this point, I am not sure if I will get to my dad's or not because my math professor won't email me back till tomorrow. This is just another thing that I wouldn't have had to deal with if my life what even remotely normal. I am mad now. Mad at my dad, mad at my teacher, mad at myself for sending the emails in the first place. I should have just told him I couldn't see him like all the other times... Not seeing him makes everything hurt less anyway. I don't know why I try to make myself happy sometimes, when all it does it upset everyone else. I really want to go home now. More than ever before. I am mad that I can't focus now, and that I probably won't get anything accomplished until tomorrow when/if she responds. I am dreading my math class, and the snide comments I'm sure my teacher will make about people skipping class. I am mad I am complaining so much. I am mad life isn't easier. I am mad I am letting this get to me so much. I am mad...

Tears

I am so upset right now, so I figured I would let off some steam by writing a blog... Today, I found out that my dad only has off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, a day which I KNOW we have school. It is extremely frustrating because holidays are the worst time to remember that your parents are divorced anyway, and it is bad enough that my dad never tells me anything in advance. So this morning, I emailed all my professors (including you, hah) because I figured that by telling all of them in advance they would not assume I was skipping, like I am sure people will, and I would be able to do the assignments and make up things in advanced. I explained my situation to an extent (not as in depth as I did with you, seeing as you know my situation a little better) and went to work. I was already nervous enough to have to tell my professors I would have to miss because I am not one to ever miss class, not even in high school. So when I got back from work today, I had an email from my math professor, and I assumed that it would be some sort of response understanding my situation. Instead I was confronted with "We have a quiz that day, are you planning on skipping that too?" It completely took me by surprise, so much that I burst out in tears. It makes me extremely mad that she thinks I am attempting to skip her class. I have not missed a single class yet and always try to pay attention and participate in class. Her class is the last class of the day and I am not sure if she misinterpreted my email as to I was only going to be gone for her class, but I am most certainly not. I emailed her back, and was probably much to "snippy" in my email, though a friend who read it said it sounded fine. I just felt like she was judging me for something that wasn't even my fault or intention. I am praying none of my other professors respond like this... I literally have never had a teacher act this way towards me before, and it completely hurt my feelings. I haven't even been to my dad's house since I moved up here, and I have only seen him twice. I can't quit bawling now thinking that the ONE day that he has off, that I could be with him, may not even happen because my professor thinks I am "skipping" her class and doesn't think that this is a legitimate reason. If this isn't I would really like to know what is. I feel awful, and I am hoping that she changes her mind after my second email and lets me take the quiz in advance like I asked too. I feel so stupid because my roommate is in here while I am crying my eyes out. I feel like I am being treated like a little kid and bad student, when in reality, I just want to see my dad...

Debate

I am getting a little nervous for tomorrow's debate. While presentations don't always make me nervous, debates do seeing as there is so much information out there that you are "expected" to know when going into a debate. I am on the Natural Process side and I think that our team will do very well, regardless of the outcome of the debate. I think that our group has been working well together and will hopefully be able to give a good presentation. It is funny because usually in debate it is important you strongly agree with the side you are supporting but in this case I am pretty much in the dead middle. I believe that there are many factors that have to deal with climate change, and I don't think that you can specifically categorize it into one side or the other. I have had fun learning some new facts about global warming over these past few weeks though. I realized there were a lot of things I thought I knew but actually didn't and vice versa. Hopefully I will not get nervous tomorrow and everything will run smoothly. My biggest concern is that I will run out of things to say or be presented with a question that I cannot answer. I think that overall tomorrow's class period will be fun though.

Ebsco and Coughing

As you can see, my latest annoyances are Ebsco and coughing. Ebsco actually isn't that bad. I think that most of the information you can find on it is actually rather interesting to look at, it just seems like every professor decided to have a project involving it at the same time. I feel like I am wasting away in front of the computer searching for articles of relevancy. It is rather hard because I would MUCH rather sit with a copy of the article on paper, however I have neither the printing money or the time to do it any other way. I finished one assignment tonight though so I am hoping that will lower my stress level (and my growing hate towards Ebsco). I am equally sick of coughing! I cannot seem to stop. I was sick two weeks ago (as previously mentioned) and am feeling much better, however, I cannot get rid of this lingering cough I have. It seems like it is always the most inopportune times that I start coughing the most too (like right now in the library...). Hopefully it will go away soon and I will be able to work on homework without interrupting everyone! I am glad that we finished State of Fear this week, though I did enjoy the book (everything expect Bradley being eaten... not the best thing to read before you try to go to bed-it totally grossed me out!). I am having troubles picking which book I want to do for my final project. Right now I think it is between the Andromeda Strain and Timeline. I will have to look into them both a little more first, but I know that I need to get a move on deciding. I am getting so excited for Thanksgiving break (but more importantly the Christmas Break that follows it!). It is crazy to think that first semester is only a month an a half longer. Sometimes I think that time is going so slow, but I imagine college will presumably be like high school, in which you are done before you know it. In a way I hope that is true, but then again I am not sure I want to get into my "working life". I have thought more this week about possibly going into nursing, seeing as I originally wanted to be a PA in an obstetrics unit. I think that a nurse, or nurse practitioner, is more of what I am wanting to do, in regards to handling the patients and newborns, so I am going to keep that idea in mind. For now though, I should get back to work on my assignments.

Home

I just want to go home this week. Have you ever had a week that just dragged on and on? Well this is that week. It is not even that this week has been hard, or busy, I just really wish I was at home. It seems as if every little thing is getting to me this week. I am frustrated because I am still sick when I thought I would be better by now. Equally frustrating is the fact my mom got a new cell phone (one of which has a full alphabet, therefore enabling her with new found texting skills) so she will not leave me alone. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to my mom, but I am getting tired of answering her questions on how I feel every 2 seconds. I am frustrated with calculus and my professor. I feel as if I do not learn anything in the class, and yet I am not sure how to change that fact. I just feel like my patience is growing thinner and thinner. I think it partially has to do with my best friend here, Kelly. She hasn't done anything wrong, or annoyed me, etc., but her boyfriend of five years (yes, five-ridiculous, I know) put them on a "break" this week. I think that all my patience has been going to her in trying to help her figure things out and feel better. I feel terrible because-to me- it seems that they are most likely going to be officially over in the near future. Her boyfriend started talking to someone else and it is already to easy to see the picture of them together. Though it is hard because I was in his position once, and I am sure he just doesn't understand it is equally as hard for Kelly being here. I assume he is just trying to fill her place, not to replace her, but to replace the image of her; of having a girl there for him at home. I feel terrible for her regardless. She has been so upset, and to top it off she found out she has mono last week. I am not sure how to help her, and I think that is what is stressing me as of now. So whether it be selfish or not, I am ready to go home and get away from everyone, including Kelly. I love helping people, but this week, I think the only person I want/need to help is myself... 

State of Fear

Over fall break I started reading State of Fear. Before reading the book I was a little concerned, due to the length of the book, but as stated it has been a fairly quick read so far. In the beginning I was super confused. I know that Crichton was "setting the scene" but jumping from person to person, and place to place only confused me. I was feeling very frustrated until Morton, Drake and Evans were introduced, then things started looking up. There are definitely a lot of difficult terms to sort through, but I found the further into the book I got the better off I was understanding. I read up through the first section, my original goal, and was surprised when I wanted to keep reading. Now especially, that I am up through Terror, I find the plot thickening more and more-in turn keeping me flipping the pages. I have a feeling that Crichton is going to have a lot more twists up his sleeves, especially concerning Marisa. I also am curious to see whether Morton is actually dead or not. I think that discussing this book in class will be more entertaining than Animal Dreams because I think more people will be involved in the discussion. I am anxious to keep reading and see what happens next. If I were to make a few predictions, I would suspect that someone else is most likely going to die, Sarah and Evans will get closer as they travel together, and I feel like Kenner still may be hiding something that will not arise until later on in the novel. I can't wait to find out.