Frustration

This morning didn't not get off to the best start. I suppose this all stems from last night. My boyfriend and I finally discussed his going to homecoming, and while I want him to go, because I do not want him to miss out on this opportunity, the thought of him dancing with other girls is not a image I particularly enjoy. I know I am being selfish in a sense, because I trust Brett, I just don't trust the girls at my old high school. This situation has put a slight "strain" on our relationship for the time being, and I hate feeling down about something so silly as a high school dance. I know Brett feels bad now, and I am worried that because he knows I am a little upset that he won't go. I did send him an email this morning, however, telling him how I felt and that I do want him to go. Besides, all of my girlfriends will be home this weekend anyway, and if he goes to the dance it will give me an opportunity to see them without feeling guilty about not seeing Brett. Still, jealousy is a funny thing. I love the quote by Havelock Ellis, "Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive." In fact, I have this quote on my facebook page because I think there is so much truth in it. This is why I am trying my best to understand the point of view Brett is in, and realize that it is just a high school dance, nothing more. I know that relationships need to be built on trust and therefore I am going to attempt, key word being attempt, to not worry about this weekend. Still, the image of Brett dancing is imprinted on the back of my mind, though I am trying to suppress it. I am also frustrated because currently I am at work, so why am I blogging you ask? My boss is gone today, and it just so happens that the server is down and I cannot do anything I am supposed to be doing. Therefore, I had to ask the secretary what she thought I should do; her response being call ITS. So ITS was called at 9:25, and as you can tell it is 10:45 now and they have still not arrived. I feel like I am just wasting time, although I should be happy I am currently getting paid to sit and do nothing, but I hate feeling unproductive. I feel bad because I won't have the files indexed like my boss thought I would, and I know she will not be upset, since the server is down and it isn't my fault, but I still feel useless sitting at this computer; giving me to much time to think. I am trying to remember to be patient and understand that everyone else is probably just as busy as I am. Again, why am I being so selfish lately! I really need to pray about this I think. Hopefully my mindset will be changed this week. I suppose I should try and log on the server again though. Wish me luck!

California

On a lighter note, this summer I went to California (where I mentioned previously I lived for a month of the summer of 2009) with 3 of my closest friends. We stayed with my aunt and uncle, and were even fortunate enough to get to spend two nights down at a hotel on the beach. I am so grateful for my relatives and all the money and support they provide my family. So I figured, since my aunt is starting her own photography business and did a photo shoot of us girls, I would post some of the pictures as I just received them on a CD in the mail. Enjoy!

Doctor

Today in class we dicussed a "liberal education" and its' true meaning. It was said that a liberal education is meant to be learning for simply the sake of, well, learning. I would love to think I am truly here at college to learn, simply because I want to know new things, and concepts, but in reality this is not the case. I suppose I would consider myself one of the people Giamatti refered to as having a different purpose, in the sense that I don't "want" a liberal education. It's not that I don't want one, and talking about this subject has got me thinking that I should be in search of a bigger purpose for my being here at Wartburg. Before this discussion today my whole goal in coming here was to one day get into medical school. I saw Wartburg as a stepping stone to get me to where I needed to be; now I feel I may need to start living in the "real world" instead of searching or waiting for it. I did not always want to be a doctor, in fact I'm still not sure I do. It amazes me, this choice, to be honest. I hated hospitals as a child, and actually swore once that I would never work in one, hah! However, as time went on and I started taking higher level science courses people kept telling me how good I was in the subject, and suddenly my views and aspirations changed. I still am not sure I want to be a doctor for the right reasons though. I do love science, and I love helping people, but I am slightly worried that money may be a bigger motive for me in this decision. My family is far from wealthy. I know my mom tries her hardest, but lets face it, in today's economy being a single mom of two making only $30,000 a year isn't going to cut it. I hate the reality of this fact, and all the sacrafices that my mom makes for me (again another reason I love her so much). Coming to Wartburg has been one of the most expensive decisions, for me, on our family. Even after receiving nearly $30,000 in scholarships, I still don't know how we are ever going to pay for it. One semester alone has financially hurt my family so bad that my mom is talking about taking on a second job, something that I personally would not allow, seeing as she already works to hard. However, this fact alone is why I am trying my hardest to reach a goal that will one day provide me the income to support my family. So that one day, my daughter won't be blogging about how worried she is she'll even finish college because of financial constraints (something that would break my mother's heart if she ever found out I was doing). Therefore, I am not sure if my motives are justified, in wanting to become a doctor. Regardless, I am stubborn, and my mom will be getting her money's worth, so that one day I can pay her back for everything she has done. So while my purpose here, at this moment in time, may not be centered on getting a liberal arts education, I feel my purpose is bigger in a sense that someday I will be able to provide the securities for my family that I wish I had now.

Kittens

I had the best weekend ever. My mom, brother, and boyfriend all came up on Saturday evening and I got to give them a short "tour" of campus. The best part, however, was that fact that I got to leave with them! I was super excited to go home; I was getting pretty homesick this past week. I also got to eat at my favorite restaurant, Olive Garden. I never realized how much I missed "good" food (no offense to the Mensa of course), but in all honesty I took my mom's cooking for granted way more than I should have! I also got to see my mom's boyfriend, Sam's, baby kittens (hence the title of my blog). A few weeks ago my mom's boyfriend got a cat, Pepper, that was literally the skinniest cat I had ever seen; however, Sam swore that after it arrived at his house it had kittens. My mom and I did not believe him until one morning I got a picture message from Sam. In the picture were two baby kittens sleeping in the bottom of a horses' empty watering tank! Sam of course, being the witty, humorous, know-it-all he is, captioned the photo as, "Two kittens, I have named them both 'Grits'. You can come kiss my grits anytime you want to." All in all though, I was so glad that he was right because they are the cutest kittens ever, so of course I am going to post some pictures of them.

They are the sweetest things ever! I am a huge animal lover, and I think they are so cute. There are two, as shown above, and Brett and I went to visit them a few weeks ago when these pictures were taken. I was super sad though, because this weekend Sam had to break the news to me that Pepper, the mom, died. I am still pretty upset about it, and am even more upset the little fluff balls are all alone now. It was so sad to hold them on Saturday because you can tell they feel completely abandoned. I am sure they feel kind of how I did upon moving to college. It is hard to be without your mom. My mom's mom died this past summer, and I had to watch how hard that was for her, and while it is not as extreme for these kittens I couldn't help but feel for them. Being alone is one of my biggest fears in life. I think this stems from being "left" by my dad, and I fear that I will always be being left by someone; though these feeling are starting to become repressed. I am actually happier right now in life than I ever have been before. I think one reason is because of Brett, and the second because of Wartburg. I am so happy I have been given this chance to come be a new person. I couldn't be happier, and I am just going to keep praying the kittens get a "second chance" too.

Football

Tonight I am also missing Tiger football, and cheer leading! So here is a picture memory.

Irony

I found it extremely interesting that we talked about the exact concept (impressions and stereotypes) that was on my mind the other day! Can you say deja vu? I thought it was interesting that we were asked to describe myself. I know the stereotypes that come with "cheer leading captain" so now I am slightly worried what people think of me. It is interesting that I don't see myself fitting any of those stereotypes that come along with the title. For me, it was a fun hobby that allowed me to watch my friends play football, and exercise my leadership skills, since I want to be a doctor in the future. I also thought it was interesting the concept of drinking was brought up. Contrary to popular stereotypes, I have never drank. I felt like I could connect with the statement that watching people drink is nothing but, in a sense, stupid. I think that this feeling may resonate with the fact I have seen enough drunkenness in my life. I do not want to be pitied for my father's actions, and I do not judge people that do drink, I just feel like it is a terrible thing if abused. I wish that drinking wasn't so popular among college campuses. It is frustrating to see so many people participate in something that has personally caused me so much hurt. I know that some of these people I see drinking now could end up being abusers, and it is frustrating to just watch them fall down what I would consider the wrong path. I think this is why Brett and I are so good together; his father is also an alcoholic. He understands what I have been through to an extent, as I understand him. My last boyfriend, Sam, didn't understand my feelings on this concept. He was two years older than I, and he would participate in drinking with his friends. I broke up with him, because I knew that I never wanted to be with someone like that. He was upset, as he thought he "loved" me; then made up rumors about me so that many of the upperclassmen hated me. I would receive close to 10 Internet text messages a day saying horrible things. It ended up being so bad that I went to live with my aunt and uncle in California for a month of the summer, and also had my number changed. To me, this is just yet another example of what drinking can do. It can change a person's perceptive of situations and relationships. Enough of this topic though, I find it to depressing, and why be depressed; it is Friday! So enough writing, I think I will go pop in a movie and wait to hear the result of Brett's game.

Best Friends

I also thought, while I was writing, I would share a picture from this past weekend of my best friend, Tricia, and I. I love my friends, and miss seeing all of my close friends (seeing as we all went to different schools). To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him."

Tricia and I

Claude Monet

The title of my blog is Claude Monet, one of my favorite impressionist painters, because I wanted to talk a little bit about impressions that people give off. I think it is interesting to see people in the classroom setting versus outside of it. I will not name any names in particular, and I am not judging anyone, but I find it odd how differently people can act when it comes to pleasing the teacher, or being comical for the sake of the class. I have heard some outside stories about one classmate in particular and I honestly feel bad for this student. I feel like the stories I've heard are making them out to be someone they are not in class, or perhaps they are acting this way outside of class to cope with some other kind of personal struggle they are having. I hope that this person realizes that what they are doing does circulate through the student population, whether they are wanting it to or not. I hope that when people see me they are seeing the same person all the time. I know that in high school I was judged many times; for being cheerleading captain, for dating someone younger than me, for breaking up with a popular boy, and once opinions are formed they are extremely hard to change. I know (now that my brother is in high school and he has been told) people have said bad, or hurtful, things about me that I would not consider true at all. It is terrible to get a reputation from the rumors caused by other people, in this case my ex, because although the people that actually mattered to me knew the truth it is hard not to care what other people think. I have enjoyed coming to college because it has allowed me to leave my old "reputation" behind. It is not that I did not enjoy high school, but coming to college is like opening a new door. I hope that this person, as I have, will eventually realize that even small mistakes, actions, can turn in to large rumors of false information; which is why I am not judging this person, because it may in fact be I have just heard multiple rumors. In fact, I hope that is the case.

Necklace

Today I am really missing my boyfriend. I know it is sort of a dumb thing to blog about, and I am sure I sound like some eighth grader pining over the "love of their life" but alas, I am still typing. While this transition is finally getting to be a little easier, the one hard part is being so far away from Brett. It has always been hard dating someone who is younger than me, and I have heard enough times that we won't stay together, but so far so good so why give up just because I moved? When Brett came to visit the other weekend he brought me a necklace, a late gift for our sixth month anniversary. I keep watching it dangle around my neck and although I love wearing it, and what it symbolizes, is it wrong of me to think that sometimes I don't want to carry it? (Looking back on into The Things They Carried...) It is alot harder than I thought to be with someone who is at such a different stage in life. In two weeks, Brett will have homecoming and he is insisting, since I will be home that weekend, that he is not going. I have of course told him otherwise; why would I want to be the reason he misses out on things? I am not sure how I can get him to see my point of view, though I suppose I shouldn't complain seeing how good of a boyfriend he is; by far better than any I have ever had. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what the outcome is. I don't feel like I want to break up with him, I just feel bad that he is willing to miss out on things when in reality, I don't think I am.

Wishful Thinking

All I want to be doing is sleeping. This weekend has been crazy, hectic, and way to fast. It seems that the week never goes fast enough, but my weekend sure can fly by. I had a great time going home this weekend. I was extremely happy to see Brett and my family. I was a little disappointed because my brother, who is now a freshman in high school, is finally starting to act like a freshman in high school. I remember going through the same phase, thinking my mother was the most embarrassing person I knew and that the universe revolved around me (Ha, yeah right!) I have always told my brother that looking back if I could change one thing it would be being nicer to my mom; yet he still is getting the same attitude I once had. I almost feel as if I am to blame. I know that Nathan looks up to me, but at the time I didn't realize how much of an impact I was making. It was so nice seeing him and my mom though. My mom was mad that I didn't get to spend that much time with her, but it was really hard trying to balance seeing everyone! I am so happy that I am finally starting to like college, and that I was even excited to come back. My appetite, which I usually lose in stressful situations, is finally coming back. This is probably a good thing seeing as my mom and boyfriend keep commenting on how much weight I have lost; though there is nothing to worry about. I did lose 12 pounds after being here for the first 2 weeks, but I promise it is only because I was stressed, and I have been eating like a pig since (I'm eating as I type now, ha!) Another positive note, my best friend, Tricia, got to come up to Wartburg with me this weekend. She goes to Truman State in Missouri so seeing her was awesome, since the most we usually see each other is through Skype which is only so nice, depending on the college's Internet connection speed. We had a fun night hanging out with some of my friends here on campus, but boy do I wish I had started homework sooner. I really realize how bad my procrastination is after being in college (and it's only been one week, kill me now!). I feel bad because my roommate, Sarah, is sleeping and I will probably still be up for another hour studying for my first math test tomorrow. On that note, I should probably go before I fall asleep on the keyboard.

Sleep

I titled this blog "sleep" because I have had such a lack of sleep lately that I feel it deserves to be put to use a little more. I am not a morning person, at all; I would rather stay up till midnight, but I am having a hard time finding enough hours of the day to sleep. I feel like I always have something I could, or should, be doing. I feel like I am back in kindergarten, except the teachers never tell me to get out my towel for nap time; instead they hand me yet another assignment and I am as tired as I was before I received it. Sometimes I wish I was still young, younger. It's funny how little you appreciate your childhood while it is happening. Only now that I can look back at "play-time" or even better, "nap-time," I realize how fortunate I was to have time for anything remotely close to playing or napping. I know it is just me complaining about the adjustment, but sometimes I wonder why I ever wanted to grow up so fast? On a better note, I am finally starting to understand math; only a little, but it's better than nothing. I also get to go home this weekend, which I am so excited about. It will be my first time home since I moved up here, and while I originally wanted to stay an entire month at first, I could not be happier for a weekend at home. I am super excited to see Brett, and my family, including my puppy and kitty who I am missing terribly. It is also my best friend's nineteenth birthday and she will be back in Grinnell as well therefore we are having a movie date. I am surprised that I am a little sad I will be missing that game here though, which I didn't expect. Enough rambling though, I am just wasting more precious time I need to be spending in the library.

Derivatives

As I thought, my math class is hard. The title of this blog is in fact my lesson of the week, derivatives. I feel like I am the only one in my class that has no idea what is going on. We sit in tables of four, and I feel like I am by far the least knowledgeable at my table, if not the entire class. I have always been decently good at math. I have been in the excelled math program at my school, and was a year ahead in math at the my high school; however, my pre-calculus class must have been a joke. I am hoping that by going to the SI session tonight I may have a little bit of a better understanding but I hate asking so many questions, especially since I'm sure Scott, my SI leader, already thinks I am mentally incapable of learning any math problem on the planet. To top this off I had my first biology lab today. The good news is I love my professor, Dr. Ventullo, but I do not like my table group. I sit with three other girls, which is not a bad thing, but as any girl knows, girls like to be in charge. There is a girl at my table who I feel thinks she is better than everyone else in the classroom. It was hard trying to come to any kind of agreement with her today because it seems like whatever she says goes. We were trying to create a hypothesis for our lab next week, and I do not feel satisfied with the hypothesis we have created, but I feel bad saying anything because the other two girls agreed with the one in question. I think I will just let it go for now; perhaps I am the one who just wants to be in charge. Maybe taking the back seat will be good for a change; however, if our hypothesis is wrong, it will not be my fault.

Progression

Today I am feeling much better about being a college student. I am finally starting to like the freedom that comes with college, although I am still trying to work on procrastinating less. I am most excited about the new job that I have received. I applied for an office job in the Communication and Marketing office, and was really nervous for my interview, so I figured I would not get the job. I was right, in the fact I did receive the rejection email, but to my surprise the next email in my inbox told me that the first recipient declined the job and I was second pick. While I am not sure how I feel about knowing that I was not originally chosen, I am happy that I will not have to end up in dining services like a few of my friends. This weekend I also got to see my mom, who was coming through town with her boyfriend, and my own boyfriend. Seeing both of them was nice, but also a little weird. I feel as if I have been here at school much longer than a week therefore it was a bit awkward at first, especially with my boyfriend, and I had not anticipated that. We will see how things go this week. I am slightly stressed with homework already. I feel as if high school did not necessarily do a great job of preparing me for all the things I would have to do on my own, but I am learning.

My First Blog

      To get things started on my first ever blog I'll start off with some basics. My name is Emily Smith and I am  from Grinnell, Iowa. I am currently a biology/pre-med major at Wartburg College in Waverly, Iowa. My parents are Todd and Amy Smith, and I have one younger brother, Nathan, who is 14. My parents are divorced and I live with my mom. I love to dance, and danced at an academy for 13 years. So far I am having an alright time at college. This move, for me, has been emotionally hard. I am extremely close with my mom, and being her one and only daughter, and her oldest child, this idea of separation is fairly new. My family life hasn't always been the best, though I won't go into detail, my father is a recovering alcoholic who two years ago had a severe cardiac arrest that put him in the ICU at the University of Iowa hospital for two weeks in a coma. Since then he has had a hard time maintaining a steady job and paying my mom child support. Though don't get me wrong, I am fairly close with my father as well, even if the choices he made previously weren't always the best. The reason I am stating all this is to point how much I in fact miss my mom, because I am so used to her being there for me. My mom is by far the best person I know and I am having a hard time not being at home with her and my brother. On top on this I have a boyfriend, named Brett, who is still in high school, an hour and forty five minutes away, and I have already suffered from depression in the past. Alas, I am really starting to enjoy myself. Even though I am already dreading my math class, applied calculus, I am really liking all the people I'm meeting and really love the small Wartburg campus. Hopefully by the next time I blog I will be even more settled in and start feeling a little more at "home."

My mom and I